Sunday, August 1, 2010

Gun... Control?

I am giving serious thought to buying a gun. As a woman who has marched for gun control and who does her best to live in the Land of Denial about the piece of metal her son carries to work every night, this is a radical shift in attitude.

OK, it won't be a really bad gun. Maybe just an airgun or a squirt gun. But desperate times call for desperate measures. And what is made me so desperate? This little varmint who keeps raiding my "squirrel-proof" bird feeder (notice how full his pouches are). In order to be able to view the feeder from the house, we attached it to the deck, which also has become home to the first tomato and sunflower plants ever owned by Husband No. 1, now known as Farmer Frank.

I think my neighbors are beginning to question my sanity after hearing me repeatedly yell "Get off of there!" and seeing me run out onto the deck waving a broom. This seems to have little effect on the chipmunks and squirrels, however. So I did some research on the Internet and although adding lots of red pepper to the birdseed has seemed to keep away most of the squirrels, I just learned that the pepper that keeps me sneezing for days apparently doesn't bother chipmunks due to their fur-lined pouches.

I was complaining about this wildlife development during a weekend telephone conversation with No. 1 son when he asked: "How do you know it's the same chipmunk?"

"Because he's taunting me," I replied. "I fill the bird feeder and the damn thing keeps jumping on it and draining it before the day is over."

"How can you be sure it's just one chipmunk?" he persisted.

"Stop talking like a cop. I've got evidence," I grumbled as I continued my surveillance of the deck through the glass doors. "Dammit," I suddenly yelled. "There ARE two of them."

No. 1 son then wondered why Buddy the dog wasn't enough to frighten the creatures away from the bird feeder so close to the house. "Are you kidding? That dog barely even woofs at them anymore," I said. "No one would ever mistake Buddy for an attack dog. But he does seem to bark if the wind changes direction," I added.

No. 1 son then allowed as how a BB shot or an air pellet in a chipmunk's butt might do the trick. As I considered this option, I saw the little critters scurrying toward the "crops" and alerted Husband No. 1, who was on the extension. "They're stealing your tomatoes!" I yelled.

Husband No. 1, normally so laid-back that some people think he must be from California instead of Kansas, erupted. "That's it. We're getting a .357 Magnum."

No. 1 son exploded in laughter. "The gun will be bigger than the chipmunk," he wisely noted.

"I don't care," proclaimed the man who once led peace marches. "We're talking tomatoes now. This is war."

So, does anyone have any ideas on how we can at least win the battle of the chipmunks -- short of purchasing heavy artillery?


Rosemary Harris said...

I share your pain. And Max, the dog - even though he must have 50 lbs. on Buddy - isn't much of a deterrent. One summer when I was in Utah, I bought a serious looking slingshot but the little suckers were always too fast for me. Have you tried lacing the bird food with hot pepper?
Good luck

Kaye George said...

I've come close to getting a gun to shoot the mockingbird that liked to sing for a couple hours, beginning at 3am, about a foot from the bedroom window. Nasty thing!

Old CDs hung on a wire that caught the outside light got rid of him. I doubt that would work for a chipmunk, though.

Lorna Barrett said...

Sing along with me: I fought the groundhog and the groundhog won!

PatRemick said...

I'm so desperate that I asked the police chief if cannons are allowed within the city limits. He said if they were, he'd have already used them on his own nasty chippies! Today I'm trying WIndex... at least the deck will be clean....

K said...

It's kind of a pain but we use the Have a Heart traps. You can catch them easily but then you have to bring them somewhere to release them. We take them to a wooded place far away!!!

Anonymous said...

When you're done shooting the chipmunks, can you come to California and lay waste to the gopher that's tearing up our yard! This is from Robin Hagey who still hasn't figured out how to post a comment, other than anonymously!

Gary Edwards said...

Luv ur blog, finished the sti about the testicular stuff and went on to the .357 magnum and the squirrel proof bird feeding military action, noting to myself that if you haven't ever shared with your readers the period during your life in which you were the "spiritual leader" for Dr. Darkness and the Night Writers, then you need to do so. I believe we went undefeated over three seasons, or at least the accumulating years allow me to forget losses if there were any. One might discribe us as having been an eclectic group headed by the Dr. his own self, who on occasion would stop a game to introduce himself to a batter before pitching.
Gary Edwards