Crossing the Thin Blue Line

In the past two months, I've seen the inside of the county jail, holding cells in four police stations, the district courthouse and a police cruiser.

I've become familiar with TASERS, trafic radar, illegal narcotics, SWAT teams and K-9 dogs.

I've had a taste of what it's like to be so drunk you can't walk in a straight line, along with the adrenaline rush and fear of facing someone who might want to kill you.

I've learned everyone knows a victim of domestic violence, seatbelts save lives, that being a judge can be heart-wrenchingly difficult work, and only a select few men and women survive the arduous process of becoming a police officer -- and once they do, they undergo extensive and rigorous training to learn how to do their jobs even better.

But now the Citizen Police Academy is over and I'm sorry to see it end. It's been an eye-opening experience with fascinating, behind-the-scenes access to law enforcement. It's made me a better citizen, I hope it's making me a better crime writer, and it's given me a better understanding of No. 1 son's new life as a policeman. The Citizen Police Academy also showed me how much I didn't know about law enforcement.

The nonprofit Seacoast Crime Stoppers organization funded this experience for me and 32 others from the area. Our class represented a wide variety of ages, backgrounds, education levels, and financial means. Our motives for showing up every Wednesday night for at least three hours of instruction, demonstrations and tours varied, but I believe we were united in our gratitude for the opportunity.

When I look back on the past eight weeks, a couple of things strike me. One is the amount of latitude police officers have in their job. Other than cases of domestic violence, which require an automatic arrest, there are many areas of law enforcement where a police officer is expected to use his or her judgment.

For example, last year police officers in my city made 9,544 motor vehicle stops -- but wrote only 1,387 traffic citations. The officers say they make these stops to try to keep everyone safe, not because they like writing tickets. I believe them --though I certainly would have argued the point before the CPA, given how many times I've been pulled over for speeding.

Police officers also belong to one of the few professions where decisions can have life or death -- and often life-altering -- repercussions. Their lives are at risk every day they show up for work. These men and women who are so well-trained to keep us and themselves safe would tell you two common police activities are considered the most dangerous: motor vehicle stops and domestic disturbance calls. That's because they have no idea how the subjects involved will react -- or what weapons they're willing to use.

I have concluded that being a police officer requires great courage. Not only in facing down the bad guys or risking their lives to save the rest of us, but also because they encounter people at the worst moments of their lives. They see things we never want to. They also spend most of their time dealing with people who are uncooperative or combative, and far from your average law-abiding citizens. So much of what a police officer does on a daily basis never ends up in the public view and some of it involves things most of us would rather not know about.

We should all be greatful there are men and women out there who take pride in being part of such a difficult profession and strive to uphold its ethics and standards. Imagine what our lives would be like if they didn't have the courage to go to work every day.

Mothers Day

I've worried many times whether I am a good mother or if my failures will lead to years of therapy for my children. As I write this on Mothers Day 2010, I know how blessed I am to have two wonderful sons who tolerate me with humor, patience and love despite my many failings.

I'm glad they don't remember the day I got so angry that I threatened to leave one of them at the store -- and nearly did. Or the time my hair-trimming got too close to the scalp and I had to try to convince my child I intended to make an Easter egg shape in his hair. There also were more than a few times when the Tooth Fairy forgot her task. And they will readily tell you that instead of milk and cookies waiting after school, they were greeted with "the interrogation." I also have no doubt that the many times I've embarrassed them will become the subject of a best-selling memoir by at least one of them someday (and possibly both PLUS years of therapy).

But through it all, especially when things seemed really difficult, I figured that if I could keep them alive until the end of the day, I'd done my job. I want to believe I am at least a "good enough" mother. And I am inordinately proud of the men my sons have become despite years with a crazy woman who calls herself their mom.

During the past week I've had some experiences that helped reinforce how fortunate I am -- but made my heart ache for other mothers and their children.

As we toured the Rockingham County Jail and walked through a cellblock amid the prisoners as part of the Citizen Police Academy, I wondered how their mothers feel about them being in such a place. I thought about the mother of another inmate at the facility who was part of a group of teenagers that brutally murdered a woman sleeping in her bed, and nearly killed her daughter, because they wanted to commit a home invasion and kill whomever they found inside. How does that mother reconcile herself to the reality that her son became a cold-blooded killer for fun? Does she still love him the same?

I also spent a few hours observing Family Court to fulfill my Citizen Police Academy requirements. In one case, a pre-teen was about to be placed in a group home and the unmarried and beyond-estranged parents will soon face neglect charges. It didn't take long to get a fairly good idea of why the child had behavior issues.

In another case, a young teenager's placement was reviewed and as she left the courtroom so custody issues could be discussed, she quietly said "Hi Mom" to a young woman seated in the back who didn't look much older than her. The woman ignored her. A short time later, when the mother tried to explain herself to the judge, it was clear she lacked parenting skills and probably was in need of a mother's guidance, herself.

I suspect the children in these cases face difficult years ahead. Do their mothers ever wonder -- or care -- if they are "good enough" moms? What will become of the kids? I don't know how the judge or the Division of Children and Youth Services workers deal with cases like these day after day, year after year, without becoming incredibly sad. And yet, the judge said that in her 20 years on the bench, she had only one case where the child did not want to be returned to the mother.

I suppose this speaks to the bond that exists between children and their mothers, whether they are mothers by birth or circumstances. Most of us want to believe there is always enough love in that bond to keep a child on a path to a good and happy life. But sometimes there isn't. And a great many parents and children struggle as a result. The rest of us should count our blessings and hope those children find someone to guide them to become happy adults and "good enough" mothers/parents themselves.

Perspective: Use It or Lose It

On the first day of the Citizen Police Academy, each of us was handed a card with an indistinguishable black and white photo on it. We were told to keep looking at it until the subject became clear. First one, then another of my classmates raised their hands.

It wasn't long before nearly everyone else but me figured out what was in the photo. Finally, someone took pity and told me what I was supposed to see in the optical illusion -- the head of a cow. Of course. It seems so obvious now. Can you see it?

The police officers were trying to make the point that things aren't always what they seem -- and if you look at them from a different perspective, you may see something totally different from what you initially thought. This is important to remember in police work. Then the Police Chief said, "It's like that arrow in FedEx -- once you see it, you always will."

I had no idea what he was talking about, but for weeks I stared at the FedEx delivery trucks parked outside the FedEx/Kinko's next to my gym. I've walked around them and looked from every angle. I still couldn't see it -- but I figured the Police Chief probably wasn't lying. So I kept looking.

And then finally last week, there it was -- clear as day. How could I have missed it? Can you see it now, too, thanks to the beige coloring on the arrow?

It made me think of one of Husband No. 1's favorite sayings -- "Perspective: Use it or lose it." I try to remember these (rare) words of wisdom when it IS important to see the forest for the trees.

A different perspective can sometimes help you find find success. For example, it was only when I truly believed that I was doing something good for myself, rather than feeling deprived, that I was able to finally quit a heavy smoking habit and years later, lose a good amount of weight.

Perspective: Use it or lose it.

Another kind of perspective I've been thinking about this past week is how sometimes our problems don't seem so huge when compared to what what others are experiencing. I think about my friend maintaining a vigil by her husband's side since mid-March when he became critically ill, and nearly died, the day after their daughter's destination wedding in Jamaica (a word to the wise: Jamaica's resorts may be nice, but the hospital care is horrific and he was flown to Texas, where he is still struggling to recover). I think about the girl a family law judge told us about last week -- sexually molested by three different men -- her father, then her stepfather and finally his brother -- all before she turned 15. Or the woman who told the same judge she couldn't go looking for work until she could afford to buy a pair of shoes.

Perspective: Use it or lose it. Is there any place in your life that could use some perspective?

And if you could still "use" a little help to see the cow, take a look now:

(There won't be a blog update next weekend as I'll be away attending a mystery conference. Let me know if you miss hearing from me. :)

Facing the Unknown

My knees felt weak as I grasped the cold, heavy metal weapon and adrenaline surged through my body. I didn't know if the angry trucker reaching into his pocket would pull out his driver's license -- or a gun.

My brain exploded into overdrive. Should I shoot or wait -- and pray? Was my life in enough danger that it would justify taking his? What if I missed? Or what if I guessed wrong -- and the trucker didn't intend to hurt anyone. It might take just a single shot to create a widow and leave his children fatherless because of my mistake.

My heart was pounding and my hands were sweating. And it was only a simulation.

The trucker was an actor in a video on a large screen. My gun was real, but it had been adapted to fire a laser beam instead of bullets. A guy sitting at a computer could change the scenario depending on how I reacted to what was on the screen. It was all part of the Citizens Police Academy, a fascinating behind-the-scenes look at police work for three hours each Wednesday evening for eight weeks.

And although the suspects in the simulation videos couldn't shoot at me, the experience provided a small glimpse into the split-second decisions my son -- and other law enforcement officers -- must make every day.

It also gave me a new appreciation of the potential ramifications of each of those decisions -- and a clearer understanding of the courage it must take for any law officer, including those patrolling in tiny, quiet towns, to approach a vehicle after pulling it over, not knowing if the person inside has a gun and a reason to use it. The other night I drove past a State Trooper approaching a car he'd stopped along the highway and I burst into tears.

And while I've learned so much at the Citizen Police Academy, I'm beginning to wonder if applying was a mistake. It's beginning to feel a whole lot like my great idea years ago that covering airline safety hearings on Capitol Hill would cure me of newly developed nervousness about flying after a really turbulent and scary flight. Instead, I haven't gotten on a plane in over 25 years.

I'm thinking this Citizen Police Academy experience is going to destroy every last one of my comforting trips into the Land of Denial where, when I get really unnerved about No. 1 son's chosen profession, I pretend he really did get a degree in engineering and is now working in that high-paying profession in Washington, DC.

Of course some of our recent conversations have made that delusion difficult anyway. When you ask how work is going and your child says he was in a high-speed chase one day and climbing onto roofs to look for burglars the next, it's hard to make-believe that he's talking about calculators and math. The announcement that he'll be part of a unit using mountain bikes to patrol and control in civil disturbances -- and that he knows how to use the bike as a weapon if he has to -- didn't help.

But Sunday I asked a question that probably doesn't occur to most mothers, whether their children are engineers or something else, and it was all because of a video we watched at the Citizen Police Academy. What I had to know was: "Can you can load and shoot a gun with one hand? Because if you can't, please start praticing."

He assured me he's been trained in that skill. Fortunately, most law enforcement officers have been, especially after the 1986 FBI shootout with criminals in Miami depicted in the video showed how critical that talent can be when your shooting arm is disabled by gunfire and the bad guys are advancing with every intention of killing you.

I don't think they teach that in engineering school.